


Too Damn Long

by Narraukoiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Coda, Dean/Cas reunion, First Kiss, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Language, M/M, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, The Empty, but not actual smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-20 14:11:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narraukoiel/pseuds/Narraukoiel
Summary: This is a coda to Cas's return from the Empty.It's mostly fluff. I gave it the mature rating because of language and because I think Dean says "fuck" a lot.





	1. Words is Hard

Sam shook his head as he searched for words. “I don’t even know what to say…”

 

Dean sucked in a breath. "I do." He crossed the space between him and Cas to pull him into a tight hug. "Welcome home, pal." He could have stayed forever, but he pulled away.   
  
"How long was I gone?" Cas asked.    
  
Long enough. Long enough for Dean to lose every ounce of faith in anything kind. Long enough for Dean to lie awake at night thinking of all the things he never said, replaying every time he almost did but didn't. Long enough for him to know that Chuck wasn't bringing him back this time. It was…

 

"Too damn long." Cas nodded in understanding, but Dean was sure he didn't know the half of it.   
  
...    
  
Dean spent the entire drive home trying to psych himself up. There was some conversation, but Dean missed most of it as he played over everything he wanted to say, trying to get the words just right. But as they parked the impala, Dean felt no more prepared for this than he had in any of his missed chances before.    
  
Sam got out of the car first, followed shortly by Cas. _Dammit. Here goes._ Dean steeled his nerves and jumped out of the car. "Hey, Cas..."   
  
Cas turned back to face him and waited expectantly. "Yes, Dean."   
  
This was it. Dean just had to say it, say how much he missed him, how much he always misses him. Dean had recited the speech in his head all the way home. He knew exactly what he wanted to tell Cas. He would tell him how when he watched that angel blade sprout from his chest, he felt his own soul burn. He would tell him how carrying his lifeless body inside and preparing it for a hunter's funeral completely shredded everything inside him, and how lighting that pyre felt like everything good in the world was leaving. He would tell Cas how losing him had ripped out his faith in anything good at all. He would tell Cas...everything.   
  
Dean shut the door to the impala and planted his feet as Cas waited with a patient but confused look in his eyes. Dean absently noted that Sam had stopped on the stairs to watch them. It didn't matter. This moment wasn’t perfect, but Dean was done waiting for the perfect moment. He would lay it all out plainly. He would tell Cas exactly how much he meant to him...and all the ways that he meant something to him. He wasn't even sure when Cas had turned into something more than a brother, a friend, but he was. Over the years, Dean had fallen so completely for him...Dean sighed. He had to tell him. He wanted to tell him. He was scared, but he couldn't wait any more because it was just...he just...it's just...

  
"It's just...it's good to have you home, buddy."   
  
Cas's face turned into a half smile and he gave a small nod. "Thank you, Dean. It's good to be back." Dean swore he saw Sam roll his eyes as he turned to make his way into the bunker with Cas in tow. Dean ran his hand down his face and followed. Fuck. He had backed down again. Why wouldn't the words come out? He was a coward. Tonight wouldn't be the night either he guessed.  _ Fuck. _   
  
It was 3 A.M. and they were all tired. It was the furthest thing from what he actually wanted to do, but he heard himself saying, "I guess we should get some sleep. See you two in the morning." _Really?_ Dean let out an exasperated sigh at his own fucking emotional constipation. He dove into his room and all but slammed the door behind him. He leaned against it and ran a hand down his forehead, resting it over his eyes.  _ Fuck. _


	2. Get Your Shit Together

Dean pushed himself from the door where he was leaning, removed his jacket, and flung it against the wall across from him. His shoes got a similar treatment. _Why am I this way?_ He yanked off his socks. _Why can't I just fucking tell him?_     
  
He was unbuttoning his shirt the when he saw the shadow outside his door. He froze, watching it, waiting for a knock...but it never came, and in a few moments the shadow left.    
__   
_Damn it._ Dean let out an angry sigh and chunked his shirt on the floor next to the dresser. He collapsed backwards onto the bed, laying across it with his feet hanging off the side. He draped his arm over his face and willed the tears to stop forming. He was happy right? He was so goddamn happy that Cas was back...but instead of telling him at least that much...he was lying on his bed alone, being a coward. He removed his arm and sat up. Cas didn't sleep. He could still go talk to him.    
  
He looked towards the door just as the shadow appeared again. Dean's breath caught. He waited. The shadow left.   
  
Dean exhaled. He fought with himself over whether or not to go find Cas. _I don't even have to talk about...about that. I should at least go hang out with him right? He's been gone for so long and I'm just hiding in here being a loser. We can just sit up and visit, talk about whatever he wants to talk about. I probably shouldn't waylay him with all my feelings the moment he's back from the dead anyway..._   
  
With that reasoning, Dean stood to move towards the door. The shadow appeared again. Dean swallowed, but this time...   
  
"Cas?"   
  
There was a pause, then the door slowly opened. "I...I wasn't sure if you were still awake."   
  
Dean sighed. "What is it, Cas? You’ve been hovering outside my door like some kind of goddamn creeper." _Shit. Really? God, I'm stupid._   
  
Dean watched as Cas's brows knitted together and his features twisted into something resembling regret. "I'm sorry, Dean. This can wait." And he started to close the door behind him.   
  
"Cas, wait." Dean caught the door and pulled the it back wide. "Come on in. I'm not that tired. And...you've been through a lot. I guess you wanna talk, so...come on. Talk to me. What's on your mind?"   
  
Cas opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He pursed his lips and studied Dean for a moment. "Actually..." he said. "I think I need a drink." And with that, Cas turned and walked in the direction of the kitchen. A confused Dean followed behind him.   
  
Dean pulled two beers from the fridge, opened them, handed one to Cas, and took a swig of the other. Whatever Cas wanted to talk about...well, Dean would stow his own crap for a while and just be there for his friend, listening to whatever he needed to say. He took a seat at the table and waited.   
  
Cas leaned against the counter and eyed the beer for a moment before setting it down without even taking a drink. His head bent to the floor. He gripped the edge of the counter behind him. Dean watched as Cas drew in and released several long, slow breaths, as if trying to steady himself. Dean took another swig of his beer. He wasn't used to seeing Cas this anxious. Being in The Empty must have been some real fucked up shit. He wished Cas would just let it out, but he refused to push him. Who was Dean to judge someone for having trouble talking about...well, anything.   
  
Cas finally raised his head and fixed Dean with impossibly blue eyes. Dean swallowed. Maybe some day he'd figure out how to tell Cas what that stare did to him. But for now, he would hold it. Dean tried to tell himself it wasn't 100% about him being a coward. Cas drew in an unsteady breath.

"I love you, Dean."   
  



	3. My Hopes are so High

Dean sucked in a sharp breath. _What did...did he just…?_ Dean had assumed they were going to talk about Cas’s time in The Empty. He wasn’t sure what he expected Cas to say...but “I love you” certainly wasn’t it. He stared at Cas. _Shit._ Cas had beat him to it. Dean thought about just how many times he had almost told Cas that he loved him, almost let it spill out, just to avert his eyes and walk away like the coward he was. But here Cas was...telling him. He swallowed. Dean may be a coward, but no way was he going to run away this time and leave Cas hanging.

"I love you too, man." He said it. Finally. The "man" was a unnecessary, sure. It was a reflex, a habit he'd built up, but he'd said it...and it felt so good.

Cas studied Dean’s face for a moment. "No, Dean. You aren’t hearing me right…I love you."

That confused Dean. "Yeah. I...I know. Me too."

Cas sighed, and Dean watched as frustration seemed to build for a reason that Dean couldn't comprehend. Cas shook his head. "No, Dean..." like he was explaining to a child. "You don’t understand. I’m not saying 'I love you, bro' or 'you're my brother' or whatever. I’m saying that I care about you, that I like you, that I’m attracted to you, and that I love you in every way it’s possible to love another being! I..."

"Cas, woah!" Dean rose from his chair. "Look, man, I...I get it, and I heard you the first time." Dean took a deep breath and stepped forward until they were within arms reach and stopped, waiting for Cas to meet his eyes again. He waited until his eyes were met again with that impossibly blue gaze, hoping that this time Cas would get it.

"I said I love you too."

Dean reached out to Cas. Slowly, so carefully, he cupped Cas's face in his hands. He stood there for a moment, at arm's length, just staring. Cas stared back, his face unreadable. He wished Cas would do something. Even hearing Cas's declaration, Deans mind began telling him that he had misunderstood something.

 _No,_ Dean told himself _, Cas was clear._

Dean took a small step closer. He moved forward slowly, gauging Cas's reaction. Cas was so still, hands and arms held tightly down at his sides, restrained. Shocked maybe? Had he really not expected Dean’s reaction? His face was still fairly controlled, but Dean watched as the look in Cas's eyes shifted from mild confusion to...something, something else, something intense, longing, begging even...but he didn't move an inch. Dean's breath caught a little as he realized that maybe Cas was as scared as he was...each of them terrified that one wrong move in this moment could send the other one running away. He was done running.

Dean moved closer. His breathing came in short hitching breaths, each inhale bringing with it a shot of adrenaline. The only contact still was Deans hands on Cas's face, but he was now close enough to feel Cas's breath. Cas seemed to be having the same breathing problem as Dean. Another shot of adrenaline.

Dean’s fingers traced invisible patterns on is cheek, ran along the line of his jaw. He slowly ran his thumb down Cas's lips, catching on the bottom one for just a moment before pushing that hand to the back of Cas's head. Another shot of adrenaline. He looked up into Cas’s eyes. They looked as on fire as Dean felt. Dean licked his lips, took one more step, and Cas was against him. Dean could feel the rise and fall of his chest against his own.

He could taste Cas's breath on his tongue. Their lips were all but touching. Dean paused, closed his eyes, and waited. His brow furrowed with the strain of it as he held there, waiting for Cas to respond, to give him some sign that this was really okay.

He felt the gentle touch of Cas's hands on his sides. "Dean..." His voice was deep, breathy, beautiful...and desperate.

It was enough. Dean pressed into the kiss. And...God. Cas's lips were so soft...not soft in the smooth sort of way but rather in the way that they melted against Dean’s. His arms slowly wrapped themselves around Dean’s waist and held him closer. Dean groaned and relaxed into the embrace. It was release, like everything inside them tightly wound was beginning to unfurl. Dean wrapped one arm behind Cas while the his other hand wound it’s way through Cas’s hair.

It was gentle, slow, sweet, careful...at first. And then the dam broke. Their mouths became more desperate. Dean swore his chest was on fire. He could feel each ragged inhale that Cas took in. Their bodies, which moments ago felt as if they might melt into each other, became tense. Cas pushed against him. He pushed back, like they were so desperate for this that they were trying to be closer than physically possible.

There weren’t words for this. Among the ones Dean might have tried were _Fuck, finally, and holy shit…_ The way Cas felt against him...the way Cas tasted...the way Cas reacted to his touch...the way it was like he was in Dean's head as they moved together. There would be brief separations to breathe and stammer out things that should have been loosed long ago. Their breathing came in gasps. The words came a little at a time with kisses in between like…

“Dean…”

“Cas, I…”

“I love...you, Dean.”

“I love you too…so much”

“For so...long.” Cas kissed him with a ferocity that bespoke of years of sexual tension and made feel like he was being struck by lightning.

“Cas, I…”

“I know.”

“Fuck.”

“Yes.”

Dean laughed at Cas’s response to his expletive...but damn if it didn’t set him on fire.

“Now?”

“Uh, Dean…”

Cas started to pull away. Dean pushed Cas against the counter.

“Dean.”

“Huh?”

“Dean!” Dean froze, then slowly pulled back. _Oh god…._ He’d done it. He’d gotten too excited, pushed too hard. _Shit._

“Cas, I…” He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry. I…”

Cas sighed, kissed his cheek, then slowly turned him around. _Ah...so that’s the problem._

Jack was standing there, wide eyed, studious, like he had no idea what was going on. Dean was pretty sure he should feel embarrassed...but honestly he was too relieved for it to register quite yet.

“Jack, you uh...you need something, buddy?”

Jack’s eyes narrowed and his head tilted slightly . “Not especially.”

Dean let out an awkward laugh. “Then um...could we have a little privacy, man?”

Jack smiled and straightened his head. “Of course,” he said beaming, then walked in the direction of his room.

Dean sighed and leaned back against Cas, wondering if the mood was ruined, then marvelling at the mere fact that there even was a “mood” to be ruined. Cas wrapped his arms around Deans waist and began to kiss the back of his neck. His hands began to work their way under the edge of Dean’s shirt to dig his fingers into the skin there.

_Nope. Mood definitely not ruined…_

Dean's heart rate began to quicken. “Room?” Dean managed to get out.

"Yes.” Cas responded as he began to push them away from the counter.

“Yours or mine?” Dean asked as they quickly made out of the kitchen.

Cas pulled him towards the hall and fixed him with a look that made him weak. “Literally any room with a lock.”

 


	4. Coda: "Don't Even Think About It"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Cas watches Dean sleep and wonders if it's okay to do that now

_That...turned out better than I anticipated..._

Cas stared at the ceiling and and absently stroked Dean's back, thinking of the night before. His mind worked though everything - the brothers coming to pick him up, Dean being distant and anxious on the ride home, Cas telling Dean that he loved him, that  _kiss,_ and...well, all of it had been playing through his mind on a loop all night. 

Dean was still asleep, and likely would be for another hour or so. Cas obviously did not need sleep, but Dean had crashed like this...with Castiel's arm under his head and Dean's hand on his chest and his body snuggled tightly against Cas's side, and Cas just...he just...didn't want to move.

When Cas had told Dean he loved him, he had expected rejection. Sure, the way Dean looked at him, the way his eyes wandered, the way he licked his lips and got nervous when Cas held his gaze... _of course_ Castiel had noticed these things. But Dean was...difficult. And Cas had expected that, at best, Dean would be attracted to him too but too scared of a relationship to admit it. Honestly, the best that Cas had hoped for was that Dean would not be angry with him. Cas was prepared to explain that he expected nothing from Dean, that he loved Dean enough to be friends and never bring it up again if that's what Dean needed.

That was the better end of what Cas had hoped would happen. At worst...well, Dean could have been revolted. Dean could have made him leave. Dean could have never wanted to see him again. However, his time in the Empty had given Cas some clarity. He knew that everything he felt for Dean was something that needed to be said. And he believed that his and Dean's bond was strong enough to handle it and that he and Dean would be able to work though things regardless of how Dean felt. He decided that he, at least, would be honest. 

But Dean's response had floored him. It was nowhere on the spectrum of things Cas had prepared himself for. It was so direct, so plain. _"I love you too."_

Cas smiled into Dean's hair and placed a gentle kiss on top of his head. He was happy. He was so happy...but he couldn't completely shake the anxiety. Dean had been so open, so eager, like this had been building just as long for him as it had for Cas. But even so...Cas was not the best at judging what was and wasn't okay. Cas always seemed to make Dean uncomfortable in some way. Cas thought of all the times Dean had insisted on space between them, personal space. He was always standing too close, doing something that Dean found creepy.

Speaking of creepy...Cas remembered that Dean had a problem with him watching over Dean as he slept...and they had been like this all night. Cas wondered what Dean would think of Cas staying here like this, awake, listening to Dean breathe, holding Dean's hand against his chest...so content to remain here and just watch Dean sleep. His chest ached as he realized that Dean would likely not approve. Cas sighed and began to extricate himself to leave. When he did, Dean's arm stretched around Cas and pulled him in tight.

"Don't even think about it." Dean murmured sleepily.

Cas's breath caught. He was a melinia-old, unimaginably powerful, celestial being crammed into a human body...but this...this feeling right here...this might be what would make him explode. 

Dean was clinging to him. Dean was asking him not to leave. Dean did not hate that Castiel had stayed. Dean wanted this. A rush flooded his heart and filled him up until there was no room in him for anything but joy...peace...love for this person next to him. 

Cas settled back in and wrapped Dean tightly in his arms, unable to get the smile off his face. 

"Oh...I'm not going anywhere..."

 

 


	5. Coda B: I Have an Idiot for a Brother

 

Sam sipped his coffee. It was morning in the bunker even though it never quite felt like it down there. He was the only one in the kitchen. It wasn't strange for Dean to sleep in. It was a little weird to not have seen Cas or Jack running around, but they were probably just in the library or something. Sam didn't put a lot of thought into it. 

What he _did_ think about were the last few months. In particular, he thought about his brother and how Dean had reacted to everything over the last few months, how Dean had reacted to losing Cas...

Sam sighed. "I have an idiot for a brother."

Not that it hadn't affected Sam too. Cas was like a brother to them. They had also lost Mom and Crowley. This had been a hard few months...but honestly, it wasn't a lot different than the rest of their life. They had always lost people. It had always sucked. But the thing about being a Winchester, a hunter, is that you don't have time for things to suck. You pick yourself up and you keep fighting. You move on.

And so Sam did. No, you don't ever forget the people you lose, and you're definitely not unaffected by all the crap the world throws at you, but just...function anyway. And so Sam had...but Dean hadn't. Sam thought on how Dean had lost all hope in anything good...even admitted to it. Dean had pined for Cas in a way that was unreal. They had lost so many people over the years...but this...the way Dean was acting...Sam had been starting to wonder if Dean would be able to find his way back from this one.

And then...Cas was back. And it was like someone had flipped a switch in his brother.

Dean's face changed. His eyes had life in them. His step had energy...an energy that had quickly turned into a nervous energy. 

Last night while Cas and Sam had talked all the way back, Dean was uncharacteristically silent. Even as Sam and Cas were talking about the Empy, what it was, and what it was like...as Sam caught Cas up on the things topside that he had missed...Sam absolutely did not miss the way that Dean was distracted, the way he kept staring at Cas's lips, licking his own. Sam did not miss the two times that he was pretty sure Dean almost grabbed Cas's hand.

When they had gotten back to the bunker last night...when Dean had called out to Cas on the way up the stairs...the look in Dean's face...Sam thought, "This is it. Dean's finally gonna tell him." 

This had been building for years. Sam had never seen two people dance around each other for so long, with so much romantic tension between them. They really deserved some kind of award. For that matter, so did Sam for putting up with it all these years. Dean was so emotionally constipated that he probably didn't even realize how head-over-heels in love he was, and then Cas was...Cas. But when they lost Cas this last time, so much in Dean had changed. Sam had thought that Dean had figured it out even if there was no way he was going to bring it up then, with Cas gone... 

And so all of this to say that while Sam wasn't sure exactly what he had expected Dean to say last night, he sure as hell thought it was going to be better than "Good to have you home buddy." 

Sam had an idiot for a brother.

Sam grunted as he stood. "Okay. Enough is enough." Sam refilled his coffee and carried it with him on his way to Dean's room. He wasn't one to push Dean on the subject of feelings...but this had seriously gone on long enough. He nodded to Jack as they passed in the hall and was raising his hand to knock when...

"Um," Jack interrupted him, "Hey, Sam, I think...they want to be alone."

He turned to Jack and blinked, "They?"

"Yes. I found them in the kitchen last night. They were...very close. They asked if I could give them some privacy. I left, but right after that I saw Cas pulling Dean into the room. I haven't seen Cas around since then, so I think they might still be in there." Jack's voice was very matter-of-fact about it but there was a small smile forming as he turned to continue his walk down the hall.

His explanation was matter-of-fact that it took a few seconds for what Jack had said to register. "Oh!" Sam jumped and backed away from the door like it might bite him and stifled a chuckle as he caught up to Jack, following him back to the kitchen. 

Maybe his brother wasn't quite an idiot afterall.

Sam was just contemplating how long he would have to wait for Dean to fess up to him when Dean and Cas came walking (sleepily in Dean's case) into the kitchen...holding hands. Dean probably looked the happiest and most content that Sam had seen him in a long time even through the pre-coffee morning grumpiness. Cas was...beaming. He stared at Dean like he was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. He looked at him like...well...kind of like he always did except without the touch of sadness/frustration that the look also often contained. Sam was pretty sure the room had just gotten brighter. It actually looked like morning in here now.

Sam couldn't help the smile that grew on his face, but quickly did his best to form it into the best amused version of a bitchface that he could muster, waiting to catch Dean's eye. Of course, Dean responded accordingly.

"Yeah, yeah, I know...bitch." His voice was gruff but he smiled as he turned and grabbed two mugs to pour up some coffee.

Sam smirked into his mug. "Jerk."


End file.
